Days passed leaving me in error… after a good sleep of a night I woke up to confront life… life took me far across overseas to a new environment where there was nothing like ever before. I tried so hard to find that joyful dude in me whom once I use to be, I cried thousands of tears before I could accept reality. Perhaps this is my new world to be; a world full of responsibilities.
No long hour sleeps neither staying up late at night and so on everything was reversed. I was busy in my thoughts while the earth kept evolving in its course. My hair grew stronger and longer and my belly transformed to muscular abs, my skin changed its colour and my face grew older while I kept my eyes on the mirror to observe the man who I am facing in my very own mirror.
A growing fear in me kept my mind locked on a cause, a fear of not knowing tomorrow… I wish if I could be someone who could just lay on gods hand like the way some strong believing imams who I met lived a worry free life saying that god is there with them.
A coffee no longer interests me at all thus I was left in home, loneliness was my only friend. Smoke after a smoke I burned cigarettes enough to kill me at once yet I was a survivor, glory be to him who created my mind.
There is no need to cry to the things that has passed upon us and for the things that might fall over us. Life goes on though you and me live or not. I shall be someone wiser than whom I am right now; I must find my track and get ready to the battles of tomorrow. The path way to success is just right next to me however with all the responsibilities I find myself just too heavy to step on it, therefore I have to minimize the weight on me to survive my way to my dreams.
The burning flame of love that was in my heart distinguished with a blow of wind in this sudden trauma. I no longer felt any pain for the cruel love that I have never witnessed on my side. My appearance still on a hold on sweet sixteen but my thought started growing in this metropolitan leaving me bemused in the middle of the crowd.
Thoughts as politics was never a subject to which I object but now it is a growing fear in my mom’s heart that I will reach out to the people perhaps dominate a nation. Her concerns were right; I became so much interested in political science in the last few years and had attended many of the political chaos in Maldivian history. I read books about world leaders and found myself truly into it, I found myself on the edge of a great escape to the life I have always desired. Yeah, everyone named it a dirty game but I made my mind up to it by declaring that money comes out of dirt.
I know I’m fading to a whole new era; this was what I always had wished for, to be lonely. I found the rightful use of my mind when I was left alone in my world. Although I hate being in the mid of a change I really appreciate what god had bestowed upon me. Pen and a paper was sufficient enough for me to survive the boredom, my handwriting was always more like a drawing hence dad bought me a lap a year back so I could easily and neatly type whatever shit I want to write. Don’t be someone to judge me on the basis of my notes, as M.K.Gandhi said hand writing is not related to a person’s good education, in fact handwriting is the result of the tiny little circles and squares that we use to draw when we was in baby nursery.
Many of you praise me of my creativity and art or nature of talents; at this point I would really love to thank you all for the kind words and also would like to remind you like always I do, that I am not an artist. It is also a way how I survive my lonely days, it’s a passion. I never gift my paintings to anyone since I don’t consider myself as good as you all think who I am. Art in exchange of money; can’t even do that because my mind won’t stick to it. I don’t schedule the times for my art works, I don’t keep an idea of the art work, when the time is right then the mind will burst up with concepts.
Every day I face the Kaaba, I perform the obligatory prayers. I lift my hands in seeking refuge in his presence till I end the holy session with Aameen followed by Alhamdulliah. I try to keep my track on the righteous path. It is a ritual that I have wanted to adopt for a long time. I do it on my own good sense rather than moving my ass by mom’s will like the way I use to attend the prayers in my young days. Though I do it on my own; mom never fails to remind me again and again, well that’s mom. When it comes to dad; he has never been so keen about prayers, if I am in my good sense than I don’t remember him attending the Friday prayer… not even once, never ever in my entire life.
Now when I have come so far with dad in his cause he strongly regret of his misdeeds. He can’t change the fact that once he was all over Europe and America, involved in casual sex with white people and being drunk overnight. His alcoholic past caused him chronic kidney disease in recent years. At first when I came to know about his kidney disease and how it have caused him; I said in his face that whatever we face today is the past deeds of yesterday. However later on he cried and confessed his past life. As a son I could have hated him for such activities but I don’t deal him with arrogance. At some point he is a great man. The great big daddy cool with the knowledge of all electronic devices and engines he ranks in the top of Maldives. I seek forgiveness for him in my prayers…
I miss some components but I don’t find it so odd to live in this strange land, Sri Lanka. I have to find comfort on spiky edges if I’ve got to fulfill my dreams. Though in times of trail; Insha Allah I won’t loose my grip from the dreams of past.
The barking of dogs and thunder storms, the pouring rain and the quivering of birds wakes me up with the rising sun. The changed weather and the coldness in air left me in shivering mean whilst I was busy in consideration. The sound of changing gears and the smile of my buddies were railing up and down in my mind. I felt the sweet smell of dreams; it will take time to configure them.
We shall move forward triumphantly, we shall learn to believe in the unseen; we shall not forget the presence of the almighty. Dark sacred nights and bright bless days was an important part of this bliss; wandering around I kept strolling down the streets. Rode on three wheels and at times felt the congestion of the crowded busses, met some beauties as pearls; rare and precious and met huge fat dirty cows; everywhere to be found, some said hi while some just made angry faces.
“The highest rank is of a traveler” was a famous saying in the time of King Asoka. Not religiously but logically some of these saying does make sense. Prophet Ibrahim was a traveler and so on many Prophets traveled far across the desserts. In times of depression I use to remind myself about the good in traveling; it keeps me focus on my track.
The reciting of Quran echoed the house, it was something really really rare back in Male’ so I felt like being in a funeral. According to the Islamic Sharia every child should recite the whole Quran once in lifetime. Many lovely kids are done with it when they are just only seven, mom tried out her best to fulfill the ritual by me but sadly I bunked the Quran classes and never did complete the reciting of the entire Quran. Today I feel bad, ashamed and I regret about the fact that I am so bad in Arabic. Nonetheless Insha Allah I’ll by heart the Quran someday…
In recent past I got my hair trimmed, I threw my necklace and my bracelets for the sake of my loving family. People found me smart and gentle and really appreciated me and in the meantime I really appreciated them for understanding the love I continued for my ear studs so did I never threw my ear studs and rings. Although kept a good habit of removing it in the presence of elders. After all today I’m a changed man in the mid of a change.
And so on will live a life of changes… unique and passionate…
Thank you for reading a bit of my subconscious mind…
Sunday, 8th july 2012, 17:17… Colombo, Sri Lanka